Maybe I was heartbroken about leaving the best place I have found on earth, but most likely it was having to leave the best people I've found on earth.
So even though I'm a few hours late, meaning, my body has switched itself back to my old schedule, which I'm not keen on, but I'm sitting here with some epic tea and toast by a sunny window (New Hampshire style). Granted my sunny window looks out onto the back of my work place, meaning, all I see is red brick. There could be a worse view, don't get me wrong there. I have a long history with that building, a longer history then I do with most people. My co-workers are my family.
Every time I talk about moving to New Hampshire they all tell me that I can't. My sister says the same thing but I'm not sure how much of a difference it would make in our relationship if I were eight hours away, or here.
Ok, maybe I would see her less, but I already don't see her often. At best, once every couple of months and it's because one of her friends invited me to an outing and I found out she was going to it so I went. Beat. The other night I was going to go to the tavern across the street because she was going to be there. I'm not sure if she ever showed up but she didn't send me a text to let me know she was there, so I'm going to assume she wasn't and not that she just forgot (which is also very likely). I hate that fucking tavern, but that's just how I have to do that shit. Which blows. I bet if I lived 430 miles away all of a sudden she would be calling me every day.
Maybe not, maybe kids do really take up that much of your time, but it's not like things were any different before them.
That's really the only thing tethering me here, well other then my fiscal situation, my nephew and the impending niece. I wish I knew some folks who had moved far away that were in a similar situation. That way I could get some information and advice on leaving behind young ittie bitties.
Classy. Someone just halked up snot in the back ally. Definitely gets me wicked jazzed to eat food. Those fucking people that run the chinese food restaurant are rude ignorant fucks.
Anyway, the real thing that prompted all this was some reflecting I did last night on my drive home. I met some new people this past trip. I made new friends. ME. I made friends AND guess what? They also have vaginas. Not normally something that happens to me.
Now that's not the part that needed reflecting. I met more people of substance in those few days then I have in years... quiet possibly even, in over a decade. Shit is sad, right? I started thinking about the other ladies I considered my close pals, and Jess aside, they really are all for shit. I mean, I recently did what I do and gave them the boot, but ever so often I wonder if I was too harsh. I tend to be really brutal when it comes to human connections. I know it's a defense mechanism but so far it hasn't done me wrong. It's a shame some people are able to slip by on that one though. If I had given my last boyfriend the same heave ho treatment I would be better off... well, if I had not put up with any of the bullshit at all, I wouldn't have learned a lot of things that I did, like what I DON'T want out of a relationship. I don't think there is any stone that was left unturned on that one... but I digress...
I realized last night upon reflecttion that no, I in fact was not harsh. All of the people that I have cut out in the past ten + months were totally not worth my time in the first place and I kept them around because I didn't know any better and because I didn't want to have ZERO friends.
Jess and I had a conversation while I was there. It's obvious that I put up with peoples bullshit because I don't think I deserve better. It's true. I know it's true, but it took someone else that I trust, saying it to make me really realize it.
How does one correct a low self esteem aside from writing some dumb list and taping it to the bathroom mirror and looking at it every morning? I know I'm dope, but so much every day other shit is constantly knocking me down a peg or two or three that it's hard to keep my chin up .
Granted, when I was in New Hampshire I was having serious depressive issues, but I always feel like the best version of me when I'm there. When I'm there, and I don't think it's because it's a vacation, I don't have suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts don't take a vacation, you hear what I'm saying? That's what everyone should strive for obviously, to be the best version of themselves everyday. When I'm here, in PA, it just doesn't come naturally.
There is quality in life that has finally been actualized and I have all the folks I met in New Hampshire to thank for it.
So if any one of you is reading this, thank you!
3 comments:
glad you had a good time. it also sounds like it was quality driving/thinking time. nothing like a batch of hours behind the wheel to help get a self evaluation of your life.
you have talked in one way or other about moving away from this area as long as i have known you. that said, this is the first time i believed you may actually get outta dodge... and it's good to finally hear the conviction.
family will continue to be family 8 hours away. ive considered that same issue if i move up that way. its a matter of making a point to keep in contact, and visit as much as possible.
good luck
scott
You rock Jenny. Period. End of story. Maybe you should just tape me to your mirror and I'll tell you about all of the awesome things that make up you every day. When you move up here anyways!
WOW! Thanks Casey! Although I think you'd get kind of sexually frustrated being tape to a mirror all day. :)
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